Solas (
goethbeforethefall) wrote2025-01-01 04:41 pm
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Inbox // IC Communication
This is the Inbox/IC Communication post for
caldera
This is the In-Character Inbox for Solas.
Please reply below, and he will respond in due time.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
Please reply below, and he will respond in due time.
no subject
No, too weak: he is being asked to reach out and touch.]
Of course.
[They have touched before, of course, but it is very different now, with all that has passed between them. And there is a different texture entirely to a touch that comes not with necessity or heat, but simply because she is tilting her head and he has the opportunity to brush his fingertips against the nape of her neck and pass the comb through the soft fringe of her hair. It is trying to curl, unruly after their swim, and as the wood moves through it, it slowly tames itself into ringlets that wind and split and wind together again. It is deep red and tarnished gold in the candlelight, and when he is finished he says nothing, only sets the comb on the bed and sighs.
Was this what it was, when there were no more wars to fight, no more causes to champion? Nights like this, with the smell of water in her hair, and the softness of breath, and... he was nothing more than a body with folded legs, and the quiet of the moment, all wisdom and pride fled in the face of this consuming peace?]
Ar lath ma [He says it thoughtlessly, without even knowing he's said anything at all. The truth rises out of him with all the inevitability of loss, and none of its sting.] You are beautiful now. Dalish and all. I have learned better, I think.
no subject
But the brush in his hands is so, so soothing, and her eyes close, shoulders relax. It is a moment of peace and comfort, and it occurs to her: They could do this again tomorrow. And the day after. For as long as they stay here, the two of them can live like this.
It's intoxicating.
And then he speaks, and she wonders if a day will come when those words don't give her a thrill, where they are so common to her ear that she hardly notes them. Hopefully not. ]
My heart. I would never have thought I would have something to teach wisdom. [ She turns to face him, presses her lips to his forehead. Then, almost guiltily: ]
You had the grim look and sense of knowledge of a hahren. Odd, for such a striking young man, I thought. But I was glad to have another elf with me. I would have lost my nerve, if Cassandra had fetched human guards to accompany me.
no subject
[He remembers having hair once. Then again, he also remembers being thirty and stupid and thinking he knew everything that mattered about cost and effect, and the worth of things. For all his regrets, he would not go back. Solas steadies her balance when she turns in his arms and all at once they are nestled together. It is both familiar and shockingly new: he has had lovers before, but this... quiet, deliberate comfort, the warmth of skin, and her knowing touch. He has no right to such things, but drinks them in regardless, and looks up at her, smiling.]
Seeker Pentaghast was always a formidable woman. It took very little acting to seem intimidated by her authority; in truth, she could easily have done worse.
As for wisdom... [He hesitates. Wisdom. No one has called him that in such a very long time. Even Mythal seemed to have forgotten that he had ever been anyone before Solas, a man of pride.] I would tell you a story, my heart.
no subject
[ His smile is returned, and she is grateful for his support as she leans against him. Her eyes close then, enjoying the moment, the feel of him. His quiet voice, his comforting presence. Is he as happy as she is? It is what she wishes for, above all else. That they can stay like this, stay happy. Surely they've earned it.
And she decides not to keep talking about how scared she was of Cassandra. There's more pleasant conversation topics than her fear. ]
A story? [ She opens an eye to look curiously at him. ] I would love to hear it
no subject
Long ago, there was a spirit of Wisdom. I— [his courage falters, briefly. He has never told anyone of this.] An old an powerful spirit, which had learned much of the fade, and never concerned itself with the physical world. It had for a companion a spirit of Benevolence, until one day that spirit vanished.
[The room is small and warm, and his arms hold her close against his chest. He can feel his own pulse, in the contact between them, rapid in a way that has nothing to do with sexual excitement— fear. It is fear. He does and does not want her to know these things about him.]
It followed its companion's trail, and found it in the physical realm, trapped there in a body forged of lyrium. In despair it asked, what happened to you, my beloved friend? And the spirit of Benevolence shook her head and said, that she had chosen to live outside the fade, to live in the physical world. She told it that she needed Wisdom, to hold back the foolhardy voices of the powerful. To protect the people. To help her, despite the danger, and the greed.
I... allowed her to convince me. I chose a physical form, and A body was forged. [It felt safe, to let go of the pretense, if only for a few words, his voice captive in the few inches between them, where no one could hear it. Even the lighthouse no longer held these secrets, he had made sure of it.] Solas, she called me. Wisdom turned to Pride, and I... I was no longer my own self.
[There, it is done. He breathes.]
You have had more than you know, to teach to Wisdom, Vhenan. If only you knew.
no subject
She stills as he speaks, a sudden feeling like ice in her veins as the story is revealed to her. Not from his revelation, but because she already knows. And he does not know that she knows. With a lurch in her heart, she is certain that she can't share how she was told. To tell Solas about the regrets that Rook saw-- that she had helped collect the regrets. She could not bare it. Cowardly, for he would surely find out from Rook eventually. But she is not brave enough to hurt him.
Still, she can't feign the surprise. Instead, she pulls away enough to get a better look at him (and press another kiss to his cheek). ]
You could not stand Varric trying to turn Cole away from his nature as a spirit. To turn him mortal. You thought it cruel.
I find this Benevolence cruel to do the same to you.
[ She does not bother to hide the genuine dislike from her voice. Mythal. She had stolen so much from Lavellan's beloved. She should've had some words with that sliver when she dared to show her face. ]
Wisdom fits you far better. Is that what you would prefer being called? Dirthara?
no subject
An apt comparison. Varric... always meant well. But he only ever saw a person as real if they were— in his own words, people.
[It would take so little, for a Spirit of Compassion. They are already aligned towards the desires of others, eager to serve and soothe. Without Lavellan there to be the stronger influence... Varric meant well. He believed what he said. And with all the good intentions and love in his stalwart heart, he would still have crippled Cole for all of time; Solas knew intimately how true that was.
But these are dangerous topics, as close as skin to one he dares not tread. He says nothing, waiting for the blade to fall, waiting for her to ask— and again, to see the ugliness of his worthless wisdom, His poor judgement. He has to laugh again, when she deferrs.]
Ah, the Dalish. [He mutters it, relief alive in his half-teasing chagrin.] 'Knowledge' and 'Wisdom' are not the same.
[And does he want to be called that? He has been Solas for so long. And yet he does— or is he, in any way, still that original self, from so many ages past? His hands are loose, lying useless between them and he accepts her kiss with a child's grace, closing his eyes and tiling his head to meet her.]
Sileal. [He says it softly, indeed.] I have been Solas for many thousands of years, and I cannot fully escape the consequence of my prideful folly. Nor should I. But to you... I would prefer to be known as Wisdom. As Sileal.
no subject
Cole had managed it. She wasn't sure she had. ]
People don't understand. They don't understand spirits, or what it's like for them. I didn't. Even now, I doubt I do, fully.
[ She might have gone on about how the Dalish viewed all spirits as suspect, granting them autonomy, but with the inherent danger an autonomous being could be. And they could be very dangerous.
She's spared from the admittance by Solas disparaging the Dalish for her. Her nose wrinkles, she huffs, and is only saved from a truly devastating pout by Solas' next words. Her face smoothes then, thoughtful. She tests it out on her tongue. Likes how the word feels on it. ] I wish more people saw you as Sileil than Solas. I wish they could see you. But until then, I will hold the name close. [ Her own, private word. It makes her heart swell, and she adjusts so she can touch his face, leaning on him for support. ] You are so beautiful.
no subject
[Though, in truth, he should be. At this hour, her face is bare of more than ink, clean and soft, and strangely intimate without the cosmetics. He wonders how many have seen her this, without her armor or warpaint. It was a flagrant, magnificent luxury, just to look at her.]
Come, vhenan. You must be weary; it has been... a very long day. Would you lie with me, to sleep? I... [Sleep, he abruptly realizes. Dreaming. The Fade. As dreamlike as this moment was, the question of sleep hung over him for more reasons than the unfamiliar mundanity of being together.] ...I would ask, only if you are willing. I do not know what will happen.
[He has never not been a mage, except for when he was not an elf at all. And he is afraid of what that means.]
no subject
Oh--[ She's eager to accept, but the look on his face makes something click in her mind. Without a Fade, will they even dream? For a man who spent so much time wandering the Fade in his sleep, facing something like that must be. Difficult. Well, she can't fix that, but at least she can comfort, as best as she can. So she presses light, fluttering kisses over his face. ] I would love that, Sileal. Do not worry, if you cannot visit my dreams, I will simply visit yours. [ Not a promise she can actually keep. But it makes her feel better. ]
no subject
I have not dreamed of you in many years. [The admission comes reluctantly, almost shy. He leans back into the bedding, drawing her with him as he does. Trite as it is, this is their first night in the same bed, and he will not lie next to her like a plank of wood when he could do better by holding Lavellan near his heart.] When I watched, it was only ever from a distance, and whenever my dreams began to form a facsimile, I... could not bear it. It would not have been you.
[Solas stills her gentle affection with a hand cupped around her cheek and jaw, fingers warm in her hair and the shadow of one ear. His answering kiss is deep and lingering, full of his long-held longing for her, the reality of her.]
But you are here. I will take courage in that.
no subject
[ She knew he loved her, those long years. God of lies or not, he was a lousy liar when it came to her. But sometimes, after long, lonely days--it was difficult to not let her worries overtake her. That something had happened, or that he no longer wished for her company.
His arms are an assurance that this is not the case, pulling her in as they lay down. It's a wonderful feeling, his heat radiating from behind her, his arms around her. If she could just pause time, and luxuriate in this singular moment. The kiss is returned, Lavellan radiating her own happiness in turn, in the simplicity of this, in the culmination of getting all that she had patiently waited for. ]
And I will stay here, by your side. There is nowhere else I'd rather be.
no subject
[Ten years seemed long, in the wake of the journey that they had shared. In ages past, he'd have spent as much time on what felt like nothing at all— and yet that decade had been feverish, full of searching and despair, of work and effort and the exacting nature of forging the tools he would need to cut the Evanuris away from the Veil, forever. But it had been for her, ultimately. To save her life, to stop her dying— he did it for all of them, of course. But in his heart, it was for her.]
Ir abelas. I know you do not agree. [It is said quietly, the acknowledgement of the truth he had offered her, at the beginning of this lie of domesticity. It feels unnatural both ways: to hide the truth from her, and to be honest. He simply turns his face to the side, so that as she settles in against him, his cheek and mouth lie soft against her hair, and as he sighs Solas is filled with the scent of her. Here in the dark, there is peace.] Do you have any other pressing question, Vhenan?
[Is he trying to put off sleep, despite his weariness? Don't ask.]
no subject
But if she is, then she will take whatever punishment falls on her head for it, for she knows she could not part herself from him. If he acts within that prerogative, if he tries to make another play against the people here, or the Veilguard--
Well. She's made a promise to him. His fate will be hers, wherever the dice fall. She sighs softly, pressing a hand against his. ] It is what is is, Vhenan. [ And what more can she really say? She can neither condemn nor agree. She understands, but she had to stop him. Will have to stop him, from his viewpoint. ]
I have no more questions, for now. It's late, and we have all the time in the world to learn more from each other. And it's been...a very long day. [ She'd started the day planning to kill a god and save another. Unsure if Solas would listen. If he would accept her back by his side--And here she was, nestled up against him. In a strange land, with strange jailers, but she was with her beloved, and she was happy. ]
no subject
If she is a villain, to draw again into willful deception, to loosen the bonds of duty on his heart and distract him with what can only hurt her... Then he is the worse monster, for letting her. He knows better. The only thing that has changed, is that now she knows better too.
So too always, for fools in love.]
[Solas sleeps. His dreams are not unpleasant, really, but they are chaotic and intermixed, a hideous collation of a thousand poorly-remembered details, and he is cast, bewildered down amongst them. Nothing of the dream makes sense, conversations bleeding into action without logic, with nothing of—
— and then, abruptly, it steadies. He finds his feet on the ground, and the whirlpool draws back from his legs so that the dreams are only an invitation, not a overwhelming maelstrom. The Fade... the Fade finds him again.]
[He wakes with a terrible startle, half-jerking himself out of the blankets, and only slowly able to sink back down. His heart is beating as if he had been in terrible danger, and only just escaped its jaws, and yet... He can feel it again. He can feel the wholeness, the texture of the world gone back to what it was. Not properly, not fully; it is like coming up from Uthenera all over again, and he is so weak. But the difference is enough to bring him to weeping with pathetic gratitude; even knowing what this is, that it's merely a carrot to sweeten the threats of the stick, he cannot stop himself from feeling it.]
Vhenan? [His voice, like his hands, are shaking. Solas seeks to master himself, and tries again.] Lavellan? Beleth.
no subject
Then she awakes with a sudden, miserable jolt. Her first reaction is to groan, and grab for the blankets. She'll beg whichever servant was sent to wake her for another few minutes, unless the need is dire--But then she hears Beleth, her true name, not the name of her clan that others insist on using like their shemlen surnames. There are few who dare wear it on their lips, and none are servants. Her eyes open then, and she sees Solas. That is when everything rushes back, and if she were not someone accustomed to having to wake up and greet some Situation or another, she might have had to sink back to her pillow and take it all in. But that can wait.
For now, she analyzes his situation. He's slept for the first time, without the Fade, and now he's undone in a way she has never seen before from him. Her first thought is that he's had his first nightmare. A cruel introduction to the world of uncontrolled dreams, but he certainly has had enough waking nightmares for them to haunt his sleep.
She rises to her knees, and throws her arms around him, bringing him against her. Small kisses are pressed into his face, wherever she can reach, as her voice calls gently. Soothingly. ] It's okay. It's okay, vhenan. I'm here. You're safe.
no subject
Solas reaches up to touch her cheek, and clasp her close against him, holding on.]
I'm alright. [His voice is rough with sleep.] Vhenan, I—
[It's too much, too pathetic. He raises his head and presses his forehead to hers, seeking to find some tattered edge of dignity. Solas has not felt so small in millennia.]
Mmh. This must seem painfully dramatic, to you.
no subject
Sileal. I am here. It is alright.
[ She closes her eyes as their foreheads touch, and starts taking deep, loud breaths. Steady breaths. She counts, in, then counts, out. Slowly. Trying to provide some way for Solas to calm. It's fine. She's here. Breath with her. ]
On the contrary. A child's first nightmare can be horrific, and they have only a few years of life for a nightmare to build off of. You have been through so much, my love. You have been done cruelly by the world, and for so long. Of course your nightmare is that much worse. You are allowed to be upset by it.
no subject
He nearly protests: he is no child, has never been a child, and yet... Why even fight it? He is weak, and he needs her in this moment, desperately.]
It was... [Eyes closed, struggling to remember; the dream slips away and that is almost more upsetting. Will he forget this experience, forget the Fade entirely, night after night, morning after morning, not even able to know his soul's home in this fumbling, broken way?] ...I cannot remember.
[He can hear the horror in his own voice, and doesn't care. How can they live like this? How can any of them want to live like this?]
I cannot remember.
no subject
Yes, that happens. Sometimes, it is a gift to not remember. Especially the bad dreams. It helps the terror abate faster, if you can't remember what caused it. Focus on what you do know. [ She presses a kiss to his forehead. ] You are here, and I am with you. You are safe. The nightmares will pass, and life will continue.
[ Is it the right thing to say? She's usually better at this. She can empathize, sympathize, she can see their point of view and tell them what needs to be heard. She can tell this wholly upsets Solas, and she aches to soothe him. At the least, she can offer her presence and her love. What she has always offered him. ]
no subject
[He wants to weep, for the suffering she has endured. Her life is already so brief, and she spends fully half of it in the Fade, in chaos and uncontrolled madness where anything might happen and it is a blessing to have lost that half in a void of non-memory. They have so little, these mortals, and they are so wounded that they think that to have even less is normal.
Bad enough, for a stranger, but to imagine Beleth crippled thus, and to know that it has been so for her, all her life... The loss of a limb seems almost the kinder amputation.]
Ir abelas. I will endure, until— [There is a sound, soft but sharp, like an intruder at the window. On the sideboard table, built into the wall, they had left the two plump sacks of bones that had been awarded them in exchange for the gathered mushrooms. And now there was only one— the other had simply collapsed, its contents vanishing from inside with the sound of a collapsing pile.
Solas gasps, stricken, as it comes flooding back to him— first the burning under his skin, a lyrium prickle and the burn as old senses find their places. Then the world seems to expand, almost painfully stretched, a stiff muscle finally allowed to relax. Could it be that simple?]
I... Something has changed.
[Experimentally, he pulls back, one last gentle caress against her cheek in gratitude. His cupped hands between them, head bowed over them as if in prayer, and a tiny spark of veilfire lights itself from the aether, at his bequest. He laughs, a wet little giggle, full of tears, and extinguishes it, collapsing forward against her shoulder again. Whole.]
no subject
But then she hears a noise, like something--no, someone, and she jolts. Training kicks in, her arm clutching Solas protectively, other arm going to the knife hidden--
But there is no other arm, and there is no other knife. Damn it all. She starts to get up, to find some way to seek out the intruder and deal with them, when Solas gasps, pulling Lavellan's attention back to him. Had he been attacked? Had some magic that she couldn't defend against been done to her beloved?
And then Solas pulls away from her, and Lavellan, still lost as to what has transpired without her understanding, goes to follow him. But then--is he praying? No, he's-- ]
Vhenan...your magic.
[ Her arm, that had been moving to brace Solas, terrified that he'd been attacked, now grips his shoulder as he leans against her. Relief for both the return of his magic, as well as the knowledge that they weren't being attacked by some mysterious interloper, makes her sag into the bed. Maybe he'd avoided having to understand nightmares, after all. She presses a kiss to his head. ]
I'm so glad. Are you alright?
no subject
I... [Whatever he was about to say, Solas trails off. He what? What could he say to ease this moment? There's nothing. Even to apologize again is asinine.] Vhenan
[As wounded as she is, the worst of his sins all borne upon one person, how can she still love him, still wish to hold him thus? But she does, and she wants him here. The strength of her arm, anchoring him nearby, is irrefutable fact. It is impossible. Illogical. It is the only truth that can matter.]
I am. I am alright, now. The shock— I am alright, now.
[Perhaps by repeating it, it will sound more true.]
Ar lath ma, Beleth. My heart.
no subject
[ She smiles, then, though it is...more sad than happy. ]
I hope that one day, you can tell me that without it sounding like an apology. [ It does wear on a person, to have their love be seen as a tragedy that should have been avoided. ] I'm glad that you have found your way to the Fade again, but I think that we should go back to sleep. We should be rested for tomorrow.
[ She releases him, and takes a moment to glance at the bags of the strange currency they had collected. A boon for a boon. She ought to be grateful. For whatever mercies the leaders here inflict upon their laborers. She does not feel grateful. Instead, she turns, and lays back down. In this moment, what she is grateful for is that she can't control her dreams -- she does not think they would be very kind. ]
no subject
If that is true for one of us, then... [Gently, too-gently, he stretches out a hand an lays it across her cheek. When he had met her, she had worn the green whorls of Mythal there, mirror to his own dedication, and it had made him shudder to see it. Now, she is free, and yet the chains remain on her.] ...Will you allow me to guard your dream, vhenan? I did not know... I have been— selfish.
[It is not, strictly speaking, an apology. But it is closer to a real apology than he has come in years. Perhaps longer. If Solas realizes the contrast it makes, he shows no sign of it. Instead, he shifts higher in the bed, following her direction, and drapes the blanket more fully around her narrow shoulders. It is a poor shield, against the woes of the world, but it is warm and close, and she is beautiful like this, with her hair spilled out against the pillow.
Not for the first time, he wishes— but no. It is not the time.]
May I ask...
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)